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A bear circles the room, gauging its enemy, before growling and sprinting towards the large-shadowed figure. Massive arms resist the rush and the two stagger in an awkward semblance of a dance, with the bear rearing on its hind legs and swiping claws at the monster it faces. The enemy is too strong, though, and there is a loud snap indicating that at least one of the bear's front legs is shattered. The beast is pushed aside.

I reverse the Transfiguration and the bear reverts into a desk in dire need of repairs. "If that had been a troll or a giant, it'd be you thrashing helplessly. You move like a grandmother."

"Bugger off, you crotchless maggot. I'm doing the best I can!"

I make two wolves out of some chairs and see how well it does with multiple opponents. Almost as an afterthought, I conjure a flight of birds and sent them to harass the Sorting Hat at its weakest point–where Hat meets Golem body.

"Come on, these are just pests. You're in over your head with just a few puppies."

With glee, I watch the hat fighting off the birds swirling around it. I probably shouldn't be enjoying this so much, but I deserve this laugh, and I can't resist twisting the knife a bit more.

"Do I need to invite Dumbledore's gargoyle down here to get you properly motivated?"

It launches an ineffective kick at one of the wolves and waves a hand protectively to keep the birds away. "Why don't you blow your load into Malfoy's backside and suck it back out, Potter?"

Holy hell! How long had it been saving that one for? "Testy, testy there, Hat. You've had all these years imagining what you could do with a body, and now you're struggling to use it. Give it some time and don't go picking fights with trolls just yet. How about trying out your upgrades? Black and Lupin were kind enough to make you those gloves. Let's see them in action."

Hat speaks the Latin command phrase and both of the Golem's hands explode in flames, immediately driving the birds back and making my wolves wary of approaching. The Golem is every bit as strong as a troll, but painfully slower. Enhancing the punch with fire tilts the advantage back to the Golem. I've already made it so the Hat can't be summoned off of the construct, but it's missing something.

"Think Dumbledore would let you carry Godric's sword?" I ask.

It finally kills one of the wolves. "I doubt it. Besides, I want something bigger. Get me something like a Scottish Claymore. I'll still be able to handle the bloody sword one-handed, and it will have good enough reach."

"Planning to delve a bit into good old William Wallace, then?"

"Aye, damn pity he was sold out by the English wizards. Build a school in Scotland and don't let the natives attend! It's yet another example of the Founders' mistakes that've been glossed over by history. The good old days! Back then, blood purity meant you were English and not a filthy sub-race like Irish or Scot."

"I'll ask Dumbledore if he has something suitable in the armory. Did you ever actually meet Wallace?"

"No. The Founders were too busy kissing up to the crown at the time. Whatever training Wallace received, it came from outside these walls and in his travels abroad. He would have preferred to see this place leveled."

"Really? Muggle history makes him into a freedom fighter," I say.

"And magical history labels him an early Dark Lord." Hat finishes both the last wolf and the contrast between recorded history.

"What will you tell someone a thousand years from now about Harry Potter?"

"If I'm still doing this job a thousand years in the future, I hope someone has the good sense to put me out of my misery. As for you, Potter, I'll make certain everyone knows about your sexual attraction to animals, poor hygiene, and all your other deviant behaviors."

I should have known. "That's comforting. Just make certain not to use goats. I don't want people confusing me with others."

"No, you seem more like you're into sheep, or surrounded by them. Not much difference if you ask me."

Shrugging, I start walking towards the exit while liberally using mending spells to fix all the damaged furniture. "A crude way of making your point, Hat, but you might be on to something. Keep practicing with the speed of the Golem. You're getting better, but better might not be good enough when we're fighting Death Eaters."

The Lie I've Lived, Chapter 23