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The one-eyed man smiled slightly. "Sorry about my wife," he said, offering Draco a hand up. He took it, warily. "It's the first time she's dealt with hormones in eighteen years, and it's kinda taking its toll on her."

"Er…" It was one thing to insult a woman. It was another to do it in front of her husband. Especially when he seemed to have a very firm grip on your shoulder. "What the hell did she think I was doing with Granger?"

"Oh, nothing. She knows Hermione's got the hots for a blonde and she thought it might be you."

"What?"

"I know better."

"Oh, thank God."

"I wouldn't be so sure." His grip somehow tightened. "Just because she doesn't have something, doesn't mean you don't have a little attraction going on yourself."

"I don't-"

"Kid." The man stared him straight in the eye. Draco deflated.

"Something about a woman who's willing to kick your ass, right? Unfortunately for you, she's interested in someone else. So the way I see it, your best bet here? Evil."

Draco stared at the crazy American. Did he just say what he thought he did?

"I look at you, I see an evil little bastard. Work with that. Make your ties, set your foundations, stab the people you need to stab, but lay low enough that you survive this war. Then conquer a small country. Y'read Doctor Doom?" The man glanced around before lowering his voice. "Look, find a muggle bookstore and read up on Dr. D. Classic model villain. He'll get you started."

"How the hell is all that supposed to help?" Draco asked incredulously.

"Well, if you're going for the dark side, you've got several options, though not all of them good. You enslave her, I kill you. You have her man nicked, she kills you, but you might get some angry sex out of it. You could pull off a Doc Oc and present a romantic and well-mannered front, but like I said, she's got a guy, so that'll just attract all the other chicks. Still, not a bad deal. But me, though, I'd just clone her."

"What?"

"Well, evil clone her. It's the best of both worlds- you get your girl, but with a dark twist. And, bonus, when Hermes inevitably comes to foil your evil plans, you can set them on each other. Sweet catfight. Maybe arrange for a steam pipe to break or something, add to the scene?"

Draco began to see where this man was coming from…

"Oh, make sure you always have a dramatic escape route, though. Very important, it keeps her coming and builds up your rep. Y'might wanna learn some sword-fighting, too, for when her sweetie comes after you."

"Why the bloody hell would he use a sword?"

The man shrugged. "Laws of drama. Especially over parapets or girders."

"Huh."

The man suddenly gave him a very intense look. "I swear to God, though, you hurt either one of them and I will hunt you down to the ends of the earth. I don't play by the rules, kid, and her clone's my daughter just as much as she is. You will come to an end."

"I-I- yes. Absolutely. I'd never hurt her, anyway."

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6281637/1/